I'm very cautious about who has access on me lately.
And it's not out of arrogance, it's out of the need to protect my space and energy as I continue to work in elevation myself.
This chapter of life requires me to be a little less accessible.
I feel like I'm living in this constant state of too much and not enough.
The days are passing by too fast or too slow.
And I'm either too overwhelmed or too empty.
In the end, what should I do?
You see I'm having a hard time to control my thought nowadays. I try to keep my thinking to the minimal when I am not working. All these sound and voices. I could tell that they aren't mine but I just could stop. The suggestions are so sweet and if I indulged in it; what would have happened.
Well at this time I am so thankful that there is a someone out there writing books and all sort of books. Books! Only when I was reading book or rather novel that I could concentrate and focus. The book cancel out all the voices and thought in my head. It was hard. I can't step out of the house without thinking that I might do something dangerous.
Its hard to find a place where I can have my coffee and also read my book in peace. Except my room. Damn! Its like searching for my utopia. Cause when I am outside, the thing that I see I'll be thinking about it all day long and it caused me to ignore my job and stuff that I suppose to do. I give myself a reason why I couldn't work or do something. By the end of the day, it's just depression.
Its so hard to keep myself sane these day. There is all sort of thought running through me and I'm trying not to act on it. Well topic about death popped a few times but never suicide. It's just that I want to feel full. Like there is something for me. Now it's just empty. I don't feel there is a need to rush to the front and work all the time.
I'm trying to find myself again. I can't really remember what I like or what I wanted to do. All those things that I surely have thought about when I was still a teenager. Instead of retracing the memories I would love to create a new memories. Past is already in the past but somehow it collide.
Trying to keep myself sane. *sigh*
I was an ex patient of Major Depression. Having been through with the process and recover fromit wasn't as easy as it sound. Rebuilding my life after the episode is great cause I haven't step out to the society yet at that time.
Most of the time I am happy and content with my life and because there isn't anyone around me that know about my condition there isn't a need to care about how other look at me. But there is the downside about it too. I could find someone where I could talk to even to my parents due to the fact that I hid my condition even when I underwent treatment and therapy.
Recently I relapsed. To be honest, I myself don't know that I had relapsed.
I am content with my current lifestyle. Nothing stress me out. No reason.
Someone ask me how does it feel when you are depressed. There is no accurate answer as it differ with each person and there is time where you'll feel different everyday.
Socially I was an addict and maniac. I love to social with people even with stranger. No matter who there are or where they from. However, I find myself unable to maintain the conversation or even finding pleasure and joy in social activities. It suddenly become a hassle.
Then it took away the things I love and interested in. I love watching drama, anime and also playing games. As well as binge reading novel and other books. Depression took away the pleasure that I have in all of my hobbies except books. It suddenly become so empty. I could maintain my focus on anything. Even if the drama is just a 40 min show.
The worst is yet to come. I am someone with a good EQ. I could control myself not to burst out or lash out on someone even when they are targeting me. But nowadays, there is just so much emotion. It's like a emotional rollercoaster. In a day I could feel happy, sad, frustrated, empty and sometimes miserable. If I am a normal people going through break up or death of my closed relative or friend, it would be temporary. But I'm not.
The worst thing for me is that my thinking process is so slow that a problem which I would take a few minutes to solve the question that I could just *snap* *snap* and done. Due to my job that require me to have a quick thinking and respond, it really does eats me away. I feel stupid and irritated for not being able to do something so easy. The hard time to concentrate and focus. Find it hard to memorize something.
Been to the therapist yesterday and we did a walk through of my life these few years to determine when did I actually had my relapsed. And it seems it has been a few years. To be precise it was when I started my college. At the end of first semester of my college life.
I was doing great at that time. But just before the end of the semester, after we finished our exam. There is a rumor spread that I told the administrator that the class of mine cheated on a certain subject. Most of my classmate talk behind me and some of them even condemned me. As for me I was oblivious of it but a roommate of mine brought the topic to me. It was a huge blow for me at that time.
Because I didn't do it and I work so hard on it. I played it down and after a few days I totally forgot about it. Now that I think back, no wonder I skip classes and the lecture. Feeling sad and guilty and didn't try to explain.
To be honest, I was quite shocked whn my therapist told me what might trigger my depression. I mean I had the time of my life at that point. I had all my friends and there is no problem with how I carry myself. It just that it never occurs to me that I would have my relapsed due to someone words or action. I've always see myself as a strong woman. Someone who had been through the struggle of battling with myself for the past few years before my relapse.
My past depression isn't the same as the current depression I face. It's so different that I didn't take notice of it.
Now a new war started. And I'm trying to feel better. Wish me luck.
The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete, and grasp for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the world. Make your life count.
But what if I just don’t have it in me. What if all the striving for excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted? Drained of joy. Am I simply not enough?
What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up—beyond mom and sister and wife? But these people in my primary circle of impact know they are loved and I would choose them again, given the choice. Can this be enough?
What if I never build an orphanage in Africa but send bags of groceries to people here and there and support a couple of kids through sponsorship? What if I just offer the small gifts I have to the world and let that be enough?
What if I don’t want to write a cookbook or build a six figure business or speak before thousands? But I write because I have something to say and I invest in a small community of women I care about and encourage them to love and care for themselves well. Because bigger isn’t always better and the individual matters. She is enough.
What if I just accept this mediocre body of mine that is neither big nor small? Just in between. And I embrace that I have no desire to work for rock hard abs or 18% body fat. And I make peace with it and decide that when I lie on my deathbed I will never regret having just been me. Take me or leave me.
What if I am a mediocre home manager who rarely dusts and mostly maintains order and makes real food but sometimes buys pizza and who is horrified at moments by the utter mess in some areas of her home? Who loves to menu plan and budget but then breaks her own rules and pushes back against rigidity. Who doesn’t care about decorating and fancy things. Whose home is humble but safe.
What if I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society and cannot even begin to keep up? And see so many others with what appears to be boundless energy and stamina but know that I need tons of solitude and calm, an abundance of rest, and swaths of unscheduled time in order to be healthy. Body, spirit, soul healthy. Am I enough?
What if I am too religious for some and not spiritual enough for others? Non-evangelistic. Not bold enough. Yet willing to share in quiet ways, in genuine relationship, my deeply rooted faith. And my doubts and insecurities.
This will have to be enough.
And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the “experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time together. Is our marriage good enough?
What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions? A mediocre mom who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone yours.
What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them? Make peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same. Accept that all I want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life.
I think it is enough.
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