Thinking Cottage

It's back. I can literally feel it when I'm slipping. All the stuff I'm doing but have no control of it.
It's like I'm being piloted by someone who I know so well of.
Pictures and voices are getting clearer.
I thought I had it in me to suppress it.
Eventually it's back.

Am I going to go thru all those days again?
I'm doing all I could to stop it.
Someone please help me.
Help me understand myself.
Please. Believe me when I say I'm failing to grasp between reality and fantasy.
Wake me up slowly. Please.

You see I'm having a hard time to control my thought nowadays. I try to keep my thinking to the minimal when I am not working. All these sound and voices. I could tell that they aren't mine but I just could stop. The suggestions are so sweet and if I indulged in it; what would have happened.

Well at this time I am so thankful that there is a someone out there writing books and all sort of books. Books! Only when I was reading book or rather novel that I could concentrate and focus. The book cancel out all the voices and thought in my head. It was hard. I can't step out of the house without thinking that I might do something dangerous.

Its hard to find a place where I can have my coffee and also read my book in peace. Except my room. Damn! Its like searching for my utopia. Cause when I am outside, the thing that I see I'll be thinking about it all day long and it caused me to ignore my job and stuff that I suppose to do. I give myself a reason why I couldn't work or do something. By the end of the day, it's just depression.

Its so hard to keep myself sane these day. There is all sort of thought running through me and I'm trying not to act on it. Well topic about death popped a few times but never suicide. It's just that I want to feel full. Like there is something for me. Now it's just empty. I don't feel there is a need to rush to the front and work all the time.

I'm trying to find myself again. I can't really remember what I like or what I wanted to do. All those things that I surely have thought about when I was still a teenager. Instead of retracing the memories I would love to create a new memories. Past is already in the past but somehow it collide.

Trying to keep myself sane. *sigh*

With me I feel like I am losing my sanity.

Socially I was an addict and maniac. I love to social with people even with stranger. No matter who there are or where they from. However, I find myself unable to maintain the conversation or even finding pleasure and joy in social activities. It suddenly become a hassle.

Then it took away the things I love and interested in. I love watching drama, anime and also playing games. As well as binge reading novel and other books. Depression took away the pleasure that I have in all of my hobbies except books. It suddenly become so empty. I could maintain my focus on anything. Even if the drama is just a 40 min show.

The worst is yet to come. I am someone with a good EQ. I could control myself not to burst out or lash out on someone even when they are targeting me. But nowadays, there is just so much emotion. It's like a emotional rollercoaster. In a day I could feel happy, sad, frustrated, empty and sometimes miserable. If I am a normal people going through break up or death of my closed relative or friend, it would be temporary. But I'm not.

The worst thing for me is that my thinking process is so slow that a problem which I would take a few minutes to solve the question that I could just *snap* *snap* and done. Due to my job that require me to have a quick thinking and respond, it really does eats me away. I feel stupid and irritated for not being able to do something so easy. The hard time to concentrate and focus. Find it hard to memorize something.

Been to the therapist yesterday and we did a walk through of my life these few years to determine when did I actually had my relapsed. And it seems it has been a few years. To be precise it was when I started my college. At the end of first semester of my college life.

I was doing great at that time. But just before the end of the semester, after we finished our exam. There is a rumor spread that I told the administrator that the class of mine cheated on a certain subject. Most of my classmate talk behind me and some of them even condemned me. As for me I was oblivious of it but a roommate of mine brought the topic to me. It was a huge blow for me at that time.

Because I didn't do it and I work so hard on it. I played it down and after a few days I totally forgot about it. Now that I think back, no wonder I skip classes and the lecture. Feeling sad and guilty and didn't try to explain.

To be honest, I was quite shocked whn my therapist told me what might trigger my depression. I mean I had the time of my life at that point. I had all my friends and there is no problem with how I carry myself. It just that it never occurs to me that I would have my relapsed due to someone words or action. I've always see myself as a strong woman. Someone who had been through the struggle of battling with myself for the past few years before my relapse.

My past depression isn't the same as the current depression I face. It's so different that I didn't take notice of it.

Now a new war started. And I'm trying to feel better. Wish me luck.