Thinking Cottage

It's back. I can literally feel it when I'm slipping. All the stuff I'm doing but have no control of it.
It's like I'm being piloted by someone who I know so well of.
Pictures and voices are getting clearer.
I thought I had it in me to suppress it.
Eventually it's back.

Am I going to go thru all those days again?
I'm doing all I could to stop it.
Someone please help me.
Help me understand myself.
Please. Believe me when I say I'm failing to grasp between reality and fantasy.
Wake me up slowly. Please.

With me I feel like I am losing my sanity.

Socially I was an addict and maniac. I love to social with people even with stranger. No matter who there are or where they from. However, I find myself unable to maintain the conversation or even finding pleasure and joy in social activities. It suddenly become a hassle.

Then it took away the things I love and interested in. I love watching drama, anime and also playing games. As well as binge reading novel and other books. Depression took away the pleasure that I have in all of my hobbies except books. It suddenly become so empty. I could maintain my focus on anything. Even if the drama is just a 40 min show.

The worst is yet to come. I am someone with a good EQ. I could control myself not to burst out or lash out on someone even when they are targeting me. But nowadays, there is just so much emotion. It's like a emotional rollercoaster. In a day I could feel happy, sad, frustrated, empty and sometimes miserable. If I am a normal people going through break up or death of my closed relative or friend, it would be temporary. But I'm not.

The worst thing for me is that my thinking process is so slow that a problem which I would take a few minutes to solve the question that I could just *snap* *snap* and done. Due to my job that require me to have a quick thinking and respond, it really does eats me away. I feel stupid and irritated for not being able to do something so easy. The hard time to concentrate and focus. Find it hard to memorize something.

Been to the therapist yesterday and we did a walk through of my life these few years to determine when did I actually had my relapsed. And it seems it has been a few years. To be precise it was when I started my college. At the end of first semester of my college life.

I was doing great at that time. But just before the end of the semester, after we finished our exam. There is a rumor spread that I told the administrator that the class of mine cheated on a certain subject. Most of my classmate talk behind me and some of them even condemned me. As for me I was oblivious of it but a roommate of mine brought the topic to me. It was a huge blow for me at that time.

Because I didn't do it and I work so hard on it. I played it down and after a few days I totally forgot about it. Now that I think back, no wonder I skip classes and the lecture. Feeling sad and guilty and didn't try to explain.

To be honest, I was quite shocked whn my therapist told me what might trigger my depression. I mean I had the time of my life at that point. I had all my friends and there is no problem with how I carry myself. It just that it never occurs to me that I would have my relapsed due to someone words or action. I've always see myself as a strong woman. Someone who had been through the struggle of battling with myself for the past few years before my relapse.

My past depression isn't the same as the current depression I face. It's so different that I didn't take notice of it.

Now a new war started. And I'm trying to feel better. Wish me luck.

There is a place that I would visit whenever I have something in my mind or when I wish to just leave those noisy town a while. All those negativity and whispering vanished when I was there and I could just rest without much thought and just take it slow.

Just the thought of steeping out of the door makes me helpless and dizzy. Knowing that everyone is moving on while I was still at the same place where I stopped. The demands of people around me and also the society is so real it makes me helpless. Falling behind while the world is revolving and keeping with the demands of other and the society is so much harder than crying. Crying and breathing somehow become so easy without me knowing.

Border of my comfort zone; my safe heaven. Step out of the comfort zone just to get a little taste of happiness and also human contact but it always ended up back into the bubble itself.

Avoiding going out with friends afraid that they might noticed that there is something that changed in me or that they wouldn't like the me now. Trying to join in the conversation but the gap between us is so huge that I couldn't pretend to no see it. While they are laughing and joking, I wonder if this is the latest trend and there is this confusion going on in my head. Maybe I'm the only one who was on the island getting used to this loneliness.

It's not like I want to be alone, or maybe I prefer it alone. Being alone is a common thing to me and if there is another person here with me would I be able to share it with them? It's a question which I don't want to place a question marks on it. Keep on wandering through out the day without reason because secretly I know that even if there is a place where I could go but there is no one waiting for me or would join me there.

While holed up inside my room, I don't know since when it started to rain. At some point I looked out the window as if it has been raining for a while. Thinking back on all those who were once beside me and one that are still here. The past scar and the shallow scar that I dive so deep on, somehow tears just falls. Maybe because I am alone that I am getting too sentimental but the tears keep on falling without me knowing the reason.

Just that I want to be able to feel  safe and not to tip toe inside my own safe haven. Just not care about how other feel about me or what does the society think or judge me for. I want to be able to be myself and find myself here by not bringing the negativity and the society standard into the only place where I could finally rest.

Stepping out of my bubble might still take a while or much more time than I think it would be but be patient with me cause it was so hard. Just a small step causes my tears to form, I wonder when can I fully stand tall and say to myself 'you're free'.