Thinking Cottage

With me I feel like I am losing my sanity.

Socially I was an addict and maniac. I love to social with people even with stranger. No matter who there are or where they from. However, I find myself unable to maintain the conversation or even finding pleasure and joy in social activities. It suddenly become a hassle.

Then it took away the things I love and interested in. I love watching drama, anime and also playing games. As well as binge reading novel and other books. Depression took away the pleasure that I have in all of my hobbies except books. It suddenly become so empty. I could maintain my focus on anything. Even if the drama is just a 40 min show.

The worst is yet to come. I am someone with a good EQ. I could control myself not to burst out or lash out on someone even when they are targeting me. But nowadays, there is just so much emotion. It's like a emotional rollercoaster. In a day I could feel happy, sad, frustrated, empty and sometimes miserable. If I am a normal people going through break up or death of my closed relative or friend, it would be temporary. But I'm not.

The worst thing for me is that my thinking process is so slow that a problem which I would take a few minutes to solve the question that I could just *snap* *snap* and done. Due to my job that require me to have a quick thinking and respond, it really does eats me away. I feel stupid and irritated for not being able to do something so easy. The hard time to concentrate and focus. Find it hard to memorize something.

Been to the therapist yesterday and we did a walk through of my life these few years to determine when did I actually had my relapsed. And it seems it has been a few years. To be precise it was when I started my college. At the end of first semester of my college life.

I was doing great at that time. But just before the end of the semester, after we finished our exam. There is a rumor spread that I told the administrator that the class of mine cheated on a certain subject. Most of my classmate talk behind me and some of them even condemned me. As for me I was oblivious of it but a roommate of mine brought the topic to me. It was a huge blow for me at that time.

Because I didn't do it and I work so hard on it. I played it down and after a few days I totally forgot about it. Now that I think back, no wonder I skip classes and the lecture. Feeling sad and guilty and didn't try to explain.

To be honest, I was quite shocked whn my therapist told me what might trigger my depression. I mean I had the time of my life at that point. I had all my friends and there is no problem with how I carry myself. It just that it never occurs to me that I would have my relapsed due to someone words or action. I've always see myself as a strong woman. Someone who had been through the struggle of battling with myself for the past few years before my relapse.

My past depression isn't the same as the current depression I face. It's so different that I didn't take notice of it.

Now a new war started. And I'm trying to feel better. Wish me luck.

 I am the kind of person who aren't really good with socializing in my early childhood days. So writing and reading is like a refuge for me and due to my broken family situation somehow it makes me a little weird or should I say twisted (train of thought different from others.

After I attend school that is when I found out that I am somehow different from others and started to lern about human relationship.

While I was in high school, there is a place just in front of the shop where I work as a part timer. The shop has a kind of mysterious vibes to it. It is a shop that sell used books and also CDs. At that time I just got my wages and there is a kind of force that kinda pull me into the shop and I end up buying a lots of books and a few CD; spending all of my wages that day.

I had to walk back home instead of taking bus, while waling home I took the CD out and playing on my CD player while reading the book that I just brought. Somehow I was happy. Just me alone with my book and the music. The most unforgettable things that night is that the stars at the night sky was so beautiful there is no words to describe it. It's my and only small happiness.

There is a word that often came out when we talk about happiness.

DREAM

It's like we can only be truly happy and successful when we have out dream achieved. There is a lot of successful people in our society and sometimes when those people was interviewed thay would often said that the key to success is 'EFFORT'

"I put in tenfold more of effort than an ordinary man does. So , if you out in as much effort as I do you can be successful too. I wanted it so bad, that's why I do"

If you want it too than your dream would surely come true. Whenever I heard that I felt that we're being treated unfairly. Of course, what they say are true when they say that effort is important. But, it would be really nice if all it need was effort to achieve those dreams.

Fro those who haven't achieve their dream they are been seen as someone who doesn't want it badly enough or as someone who doesn't put in an effort to achieve their dream.

Well, I don't think that is right. That is why I had my doubts. It doesn't mean that I have to achieve the dream the day those dream are born.

Having a back up plan while working on it and while working on it do enjoy it. It wouldn't be a dream if we doesn't even enjoy the process of achieving it.

When people ask "What is your dream?" or "What would like to achieve in the future?", of course it would be hard to answer and it should be hard to answer. Take your time and think carefully.
Each and every dream is special, precious and also personal. So, there is nothing wrong whether your dream is small or big because after all the person who is going to achieve it is the person itself and the feeling of fulling those dream is personal too.

Dream and walk towards it in your very own pace.