When I was younger a few years back, I had my life all planned through college til marriage and also my career. So much effort going into planning and the expectation of the people around just makes me so afraid of failure. Should I say afraid of disappointing those who have expectation on me that I would one day do or make something big.
While trying my best to always be the first and just run with full throttle on, I did it. Excelled in my studies and also sports, straight A's on every subject and not a day late or skipped on my attendance. As I said I did have a great results and my relationship with the people around me is going well too. I had all of it.
After that I went to high school and meet bunch of people; some are my friend and some claim to be my friend. The pressure from my past result does a lot of mess to me during high school where I need to keep up with my studious image and also at the same time being this happy-go-lucky girl everyone thought I was.
On the first term of my first year at high school I did well but not that good. The reaction I got from my peers is that I sick or feeling unwell that causes me to fk-ed up. I smile and say nothing but while I was doing so inside of me feel like I wanna just slam myself onto something just anything. I did all I can and the result wasn't as I expected but being surrounded by all those judgemental people and the judgement they gave somehow does gets to me.
Going through my high school years with smile and laughter accompanying me. That's what it looks like on the surface. When I was back at home I study like a maniac just to maintain the result I gets and put in more effort just to convince other that I am suppose to be a genius that all those people said I am. Tired of all the facade, I broke down during the second year of my high school year.
While I was on my rock bottom, someone told me this 'You don't have to rush things, just go by your pace and enjoy while you're on it.' After a few nights of thinking and working my brain to convince myself that it is okay to let go and enjoy once in a while. I started to change. Dealing with those pressure, stress and expectation was just the first steps. Not wanting the result of my study to define myself I started to not bother with the comments people makes and after awhile the feeling of frustration changed to no feelings at all. Numb. Just let them talk and after awhile they stop by themselves.
As if a huge boulder has been lifted from my back, I finally have time to breath and makes some real friend.
Hanging out over tea or movie when we're free. Making memories and leaving prints on someone else life. Those would never appear if I never had the courage to let go of myself. It's like a new world open us just in front of me. It's been there all along waiting for me to explore it but I've been to busy comparing and judging others.
It's hard leaving the comfort zone, making the decision which I would never expect I would be making a few years back.
Life was never easy to began with. It's just that the early year where we have our parents to guide us and tell us where to not go to and what to not do. After leaving their area of protection, only then we realize that it wasn't the garden we are in, it's an endless jungle with no road. Making mistakes and going back for it again and again just to get to the right path. Some gave up and some push forward.
For those who gave up, their life would revolve just around the place where they live. As for those who push forward, excitement and unexpected things waiting for them.
Plan for it(life), but be flexible. Losing too much over a planned life isn't worth it.
Should live it instead of planning it.
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