Thinking Cottage

“But I'm just being honest."

That's right. You're just being honest. You are not being compassionate, or considerate, or thoughtful, or lovinf, or polite, or pleasent. Just honest.

There are times when someone has to deliver the unpleasant truth. There may even be times when that person is the, "just being honest" fanatic. But so much more often, unvarnished honesty is unnecessar, unkind and unwarranted, and a little thought put into delivery of the message would go such a long way towards making it valuable and constructive feedback rather than a shattering blow that can only be forgiven, not forgotten.

I'm very cautious about who has access on me lately.

And it's not out of arrogance, it's out of the need to protect my space and energy as I continue to work in elevation myself.

This chapter of life requires me to be a little less accessible.

You see I'm having a hard time to control my thought nowadays. I try to keep my thinking to the minimal when I am not working. All these sound and voices. I could tell that they aren't mine but I just could stop. The suggestions are so sweet and if I indulged in it; what would have happened.

Well at this time I am so thankful that there is a someone out there writing books and all sort of books. Books! Only when I was reading book or rather novel that I could concentrate and focus. The book cancel out all the voices and thought in my head. It was hard. I can't step out of the house without thinking that I might do something dangerous.

Its hard to find a place where I can have my coffee and also read my book in peace. Except my room. Damn! Its like searching for my utopia. Cause when I am outside, the thing that I see I'll be thinking about it all day long and it caused me to ignore my job and stuff that I suppose to do. I give myself a reason why I couldn't work or do something. By the end of the day, it's just depression.

Its so hard to keep myself sane these day. There is all sort of thought running through me and I'm trying not to act on it. Well topic about death popped a few times but never suicide. It's just that I want to feel full. Like there is something for me. Now it's just empty. I don't feel there is a need to rush to the front and work all the time.

I'm trying to find myself again. I can't really remember what I like or what I wanted to do. All those things that I surely have thought about when I was still a teenager. Instead of retracing the memories I would love to create a new memories. Past is already in the past but somehow it collide.

Trying to keep myself sane. *sigh*

With me I feel like I am losing my sanity.

Socially I was an addict and maniac. I love to social with people even with stranger. No matter who there are or where they from. However, I find myself unable to maintain the conversation or even finding pleasure and joy in social activities. It suddenly become a hassle.

Then it took away the things I love and interested in. I love watching drama, anime and also playing games. As well as binge reading novel and other books. Depression took away the pleasure that I have in all of my hobbies except books. It suddenly become so empty. I could maintain my focus on anything. Even if the drama is just a 40 min show.

The worst is yet to come. I am someone with a good EQ. I could control myself not to burst out or lash out on someone even when they are targeting me. But nowadays, there is just so much emotion. It's like a emotional rollercoaster. In a day I could feel happy, sad, frustrated, empty and sometimes miserable. If I am a normal people going through break up or death of my closed relative or friend, it would be temporary. But I'm not.

The worst thing for me is that my thinking process is so slow that a problem which I would take a few minutes to solve the question that I could just *snap* *snap* and done. Due to my job that require me to have a quick thinking and respond, it really does eats me away. I feel stupid and irritated for not being able to do something so easy. The hard time to concentrate and focus. Find it hard to memorize something.

Been to the therapist yesterday and we did a walk through of my life these few years to determine when did I actually had my relapsed. And it seems it has been a few years. To be precise it was when I started my college. At the end of first semester of my college life.

I was doing great at that time. But just before the end of the semester, after we finished our exam. There is a rumor spread that I told the administrator that the class of mine cheated on a certain subject. Most of my classmate talk behind me and some of them even condemned me. As for me I was oblivious of it but a roommate of mine brought the topic to me. It was a huge blow for me at that time.

Because I didn't do it and I work so hard on it. I played it down and after a few days I totally forgot about it. Now that I think back, no wonder I skip classes and the lecture. Feeling sad and guilty and didn't try to explain.

To be honest, I was quite shocked whn my therapist told me what might trigger my depression. I mean I had the time of my life at that point. I had all my friends and there is no problem with how I carry myself. It just that it never occurs to me that I would have my relapsed due to someone words or action. I've always see myself as a strong woman. Someone who had been through the struggle of battling with myself for the past few years before my relapse.

My past depression isn't the same as the current depression I face. It's so different that I didn't take notice of it.

Now a new war started. And I'm trying to feel better. Wish me luck.

 What if I all I want is a small, slow, simple life? What if I am most happy in the space of in between? Where calm lives. What if I am mediocre and choose to be at peace with that?

The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete, and grasp for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the world. Make your life count.
But what if I just don’t have it in me. What if all the striving for excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted? Drained of joy. Am I simply not enough?

What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up—beyond mom and sister and wife? But these people in my primary circle of impact know they are loved and I would choose them again, given the choice. Can this be enough?

What if I never build an orphanage in Africa but send bags of groceries to people here and there and support a couple of kids through sponsorship? What if I just offer the small gifts I have to the world and let that be enough?

What if I don’t want to write a cookbook or build a six figure business or speak before thousands? But I write because I have something to say and I invest in a small community of women I care about and encourage them to love and care for themselves well. Because bigger isn’t always better and the individual matters. She is enough.

What if I just accept this mediocre body of mine that is neither big nor small? Just in between. And I embrace that I have no desire to work for rock hard abs or 18% body fat. And I make peace with it and decide that when I lie on my deathbed I will never regret having just been me. Take me or leave me.

What if I am a mediocre home manager who rarely dusts and mostly maintains order and makes real food but sometimes buys pizza and who is horrified at moments by the utter mess in some areas of her home? Who loves to menu plan and budget but then breaks her own rules and pushes back against rigidity. Who doesn’t care about decorating and fancy things. Whose home is humble but safe.

What if I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society and cannot even begin to keep up? And see so many others with what appears to be boundless energy and stamina but know that I need tons of solitude and calm, an abundance of rest, and swaths of unscheduled time in order to be healthy. Body, spirit, soul healthy. Am I enough?

What if I am too religious for some and not spiritual enough for others? Non-evangelistic. Not bold enough. Yet willing to share in quiet ways, in genuine relationship, my deeply rooted faith. And my doubts and insecurities.

This will have to be enough.

And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the “experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time together. Is our marriage good enough?

What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions? A mediocre mom who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone yours.

What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them? Make peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same. Accept that all I want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life.

I think it is enough.

There is a place that I would visit whenever I have something in my mind or when I wish to just leave those noisy town a while. All those negativity and whispering vanished when I was there and I could just rest without much thought and just take it slow.

Just the thought of steeping out of the door makes me helpless and dizzy. Knowing that everyone is moving on while I was still at the same place where I stopped. The demands of people around me and also the society is so real it makes me helpless. Falling behind while the world is revolving and keeping with the demands of other and the society is so much harder than crying. Crying and breathing somehow become so easy without me knowing.

Border of my comfort zone; my safe heaven. Step out of the comfort zone just to get a little taste of happiness and also human contact but it always ended up back into the bubble itself.

Avoiding going out with friends afraid that they might noticed that there is something that changed in me or that they wouldn't like the me now. Trying to join in the conversation but the gap between us is so huge that I couldn't pretend to no see it. While they are laughing and joking, I wonder if this is the latest trend and there is this confusion going on in my head. Maybe I'm the only one who was on the island getting used to this loneliness.

It's not like I want to be alone, or maybe I prefer it alone. Being alone is a common thing to me and if there is another person here with me would I be able to share it with them? It's a question which I don't want to place a question marks on it. Keep on wandering through out the day without reason because secretly I know that even if there is a place where I could go but there is no one waiting for me or would join me there.

While holed up inside my room, I don't know since when it started to rain. At some point I looked out the window as if it has been raining for a while. Thinking back on all those who were once beside me and one that are still here. The past scar and the shallow scar that I dive so deep on, somehow tears just falls. Maybe because I am alone that I am getting too sentimental but the tears keep on falling without me knowing the reason.

Just that I want to be able to feel  safe and not to tip toe inside my own safe haven. Just not care about how other feel about me or what does the society think or judge me for. I want to be able to be myself and find myself here by not bringing the negativity and the society standard into the only place where I could finally rest.

Stepping out of my bubble might still take a while or much more time than I think it would be but be patient with me cause it was so hard. Just a small step causes my tears to form, I wonder when can I fully stand tall and say to myself 'you're free'.

When I was younger a few years back, I had my life all planned through college til marriage and also my career. So much effort going into planning and the expectation of the people around just makes me so afraid of failure. Should I say afraid of disappointing those who have expectation on me that I would one day do or make something big.

While trying my best to always be the first and just run with full throttle on, I did it. Excelled in my studies and also sports, straight A's on every subject and not a day late or skipped on my attendance. As I said I did have a great results and my relationship with the people around me is going well too. I had all of it.

After that I went to high school and meet bunch of people; some are my friend and some claim to be my friend. The pressure from my past result does a lot of mess to me during high school where I need to keep up with my studious image and also at the same time being this happy-go-lucky girl everyone thought I was.

On the first term of my first year at high school I did well but not that good. The reaction I got from my peers is that I sick or feeling unwell that causes me to fk-ed up. I smile and say nothing but while I was doing so inside of me feel like I wanna just slam myself onto something just anything. I did all I can and the result wasn't as I expected but being surrounded by all those judgemental people and the judgement they gave somehow does gets to me.

Going through my high school years with smile and laughter accompanying me. That's what it looks like on the surface. When I was back at home I study like a maniac just to maintain the result I gets and put in more effort just to convince other that I am suppose to be a genius that all those people said I am. Tired of all the facade, I broke down during the second year of my high school year.

While I was on my rock bottom, someone told me this 'You don't have to rush things, just go by your pace and enjoy while you're on it.' After a few nights of thinking and working my brain to convince myself that it is okay to let go and enjoy once in a while. I started to change. Dealing with those pressure, stress and expectation was just the first steps. Not wanting the result of my study to define myself I started to not bother with the comments people makes and after awhile the feeling of frustration changed to no feelings at all. Numb. Just let them talk and after awhile they stop by themselves.

As if a huge boulder has been lifted from my back, I finally have time to breath and makes some real friend.
Hanging out over tea or movie when we're free. Making memories and leaving prints on someone else life. Those would never appear if I never had the courage to let go of myself. It's like a new world open us just in front of me. It's been there all along waiting for me to explore it but I've been to busy comparing and judging others.

It's hard leaving the comfort zone, making the decision which I would never expect I would be making a few years back.

Life was never easy to began with. It's just that the early year where we have our parents to guide us and tell us where to not go to and what to not do. After leaving their area of protection, only then we realize that it wasn't the garden we are in, it's an endless jungle with no road. Making mistakes and going back for it again and again just to get to the right path. Some gave up and some push forward.

For those who gave up, their life would revolve just around the place where they live. As for those who push forward, excitement and unexpected things waiting for them.

Plan for it(life), but be flexible. Losing too much over a planned life isn't worth it.

Should live it instead of planning it.

'Euthanasia' ; mercy killing or assisted suicide.

This topic came up awhile ago while I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and both of us have a different opinion on it. While he is 100 percent on getting 'Euthanasia' if he ever gets any kind of disease which are incurable and I am just going to enjoy the rest of my life with my love ones and family.

Suicide has been and always would be a taboo to the society but on the contrary euthanasia gives a person who is suffering a chance to have a painless and easy death. Nevertheless, euthanasia is just sugar coated word to replace suicide. The difference is that suicide is a crime and euthanasia is a legalize death. No matter how well phrased it is death is just death and is there a difference between death and legalize death?

A friend of mine said that euthanasia could prepare us for the loss of someone close to us but how could we prepare ourselves for the worst when we already know what is coming. Loss is still a loss and the process of grieving to healing and to remembering is so important. There is no way to prepare oneself to accept that someone who is important and has always been with us from the beginning of our life journey is dying and just to be okay with it.

While we are laughing and crying over our boring life over here, there is someone out there that are desperately trying just to live and pass the day. If one day I was diagnosed with deadly cancer and I wouldn't live for much longer would I opt for euthanasia? Nah, I won't. I would rather live my life as fully as possible. Make a wish list and cross each of it out and spent all those time that missed over the year with my love ones and friends.

Is it not worth living if life is full of ups and downs? Is it not worth living if you already knew that there would only be suffering? Namely because of those ups and downs and all those suffering that motivate people to strives for better life. With a mountain in front of us telling us that we couldn't do it, that people would brake those mountain. To give up just because I had cancer or incurable disease, I couldn't do that. i would rather hang on and when times is right I go as peacefully as I could.

Both euthanasia and suicide impact towards the family member is very surreal and hard. No matter how we phrased it, it is still a loss and a loss in a family is like a perfect family picture been torn over.

Each have their opinion regarding life and how to live it but I just wish that none of those who are around me would opt for this as from the beginning of our life death is already waiting for us; the only difference is that we live our life fully or instead being too scared of death that we invite it to us.

Just remember that you are not alone. Imagine the person who you love so much opt for euthanasia or suicide what kind of respond would you give and how it would effect you.

I am thankful that I am still alive and I am loving this life I am living.

Be courageous and be kind.