Thinking Cottage

 What if I all I want is a small, slow, simple life? What if I am most happy in the space of in between? Where calm lives. What if I am mediocre and choose to be at peace with that?

The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete, and grasp for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the world. Make your life count.
But what if I just don’t have it in me. What if all the striving for excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted? Drained of joy. Am I simply not enough?

What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up—beyond mom and sister and wife? But these people in my primary circle of impact know they are loved and I would choose them again, given the choice. Can this be enough?

What if I never build an orphanage in Africa but send bags of groceries to people here and there and support a couple of kids through sponsorship? What if I just offer the small gifts I have to the world and let that be enough?

What if I don’t want to write a cookbook or build a six figure business or speak before thousands? But I write because I have something to say and I invest in a small community of women I care about and encourage them to love and care for themselves well. Because bigger isn’t always better and the individual matters. She is enough.

What if I just accept this mediocre body of mine that is neither big nor small? Just in between. And I embrace that I have no desire to work for rock hard abs or 18% body fat. And I make peace with it and decide that when I lie on my deathbed I will never regret having just been me. Take me or leave me.

What if I am a mediocre home manager who rarely dusts and mostly maintains order and makes real food but sometimes buys pizza and who is horrified at moments by the utter mess in some areas of her home? Who loves to menu plan and budget but then breaks her own rules and pushes back against rigidity. Who doesn’t care about decorating and fancy things. Whose home is humble but safe.

What if I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society and cannot even begin to keep up? And see so many others with what appears to be boundless energy and stamina but know that I need tons of solitude and calm, an abundance of rest, and swaths of unscheduled time in order to be healthy. Body, spirit, soul healthy. Am I enough?

What if I am too religious for some and not spiritual enough for others? Non-evangelistic. Not bold enough. Yet willing to share in quiet ways, in genuine relationship, my deeply rooted faith. And my doubts and insecurities.

This will have to be enough.

And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the “experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time together. Is our marriage good enough?

What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions? A mediocre mom who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone yours.

What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them? Make peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same. Accept that all I want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life.

I think it is enough.

 I am the kind of person who aren't really good with socializing in my early childhood days. So writing and reading is like a refuge for me and due to my broken family situation somehow it makes me a little weird or should I say twisted (train of thought different from others.

After I attend school that is when I found out that I am somehow different from others and started to lern about human relationship.

While I was in high school, there is a place just in front of the shop where I work as a part timer. The shop has a kind of mysterious vibes to it. It is a shop that sell used books and also CDs. At that time I just got my wages and there is a kind of force that kinda pull me into the shop and I end up buying a lots of books and a few CD; spending all of my wages that day.

I had to walk back home instead of taking bus, while waling home I took the CD out and playing on my CD player while reading the book that I just brought. Somehow I was happy. Just me alone with my book and the music. The most unforgettable things that night is that the stars at the night sky was so beautiful there is no words to describe it. It's my and only small happiness.

There is a word that often came out when we talk about happiness.

DREAM

It's like we can only be truly happy and successful when we have out dream achieved. There is a lot of successful people in our society and sometimes when those people was interviewed thay would often said that the key to success is 'EFFORT'

"I put in tenfold more of effort than an ordinary man does. So , if you out in as much effort as I do you can be successful too. I wanted it so bad, that's why I do"

If you want it too than your dream would surely come true. Whenever I heard that I felt that we're being treated unfairly. Of course, what they say are true when they say that effort is important. But, it would be really nice if all it need was effort to achieve those dreams.

Fro those who haven't achieve their dream they are been seen as someone who doesn't want it badly enough or as someone who doesn't put in an effort to achieve their dream.

Well, I don't think that is right. That is why I had my doubts. It doesn't mean that I have to achieve the dream the day those dream are born.

Having a back up plan while working on it and while working on it do enjoy it. It wouldn't be a dream if we doesn't even enjoy the process of achieving it.

When people ask "What is your dream?" or "What would like to achieve in the future?", of course it would be hard to answer and it should be hard to answer. Take your time and think carefully.
Each and every dream is special, precious and also personal. So, there is nothing wrong whether your dream is small or big because after all the person who is going to achieve it is the person itself and the feeling of fulling those dream is personal too.

Dream and walk towards it in your very own pace.